Intent and Parenting

Greetings All:

Last post discussed setting your own intent. How has that been working for you? Are you finding that you are more positive and that you actually get more done?

I would like to discuss intent and parenting. One of the most challenging parts of parenting is to understand the "WHY" of what a child did. We think if we know the "Why" then we can help the child make better choices. Actually the why is less important than the "WHAT". What is the child trying to accomplish? What is the purpose of their choice? What is the INTENT? When we understand the intent of the child, we can usually agree with it, and then we can really teach. We can then help the child make a decision that will accomplish the intent and stay out of trouble.

This works with our self as well. When we become upset what something we did, if we will take a few minutes to discover our real "Intent", we can usually come up with a much better solution.

Example, a child does not do his/her homework. What is his/her intent? Probably to have fun, they do not understand it, they are hungry, tired. When we has what did you really want to do (intent) or accomplish by not doing your homework, we have more information to work with. If it is about having fun, help the child prioritize. Remind him/her that there will be time to play, etc. Help the child understand the concept of getting what you want, by doing what you need to. Children are near sighted when it comes to what they want. They want it now. Helping children learn to delay gratification, be responsible before play, and loving the rewards of accomplishment and what they want is a great life skill lesson

What is the intent for a child lying? It is usually to stay out of trouble, they wish they would have made the better choice, etc. Help the child learn the value of honesty. This is a tough one and takes time - lots of time is some cases.

Remember that a consequence must make sense to the child in order for it to work. This makes parenting challenging and rewarding. Punitive punishment is just a power struggle, and you will usually lose. Consequences that teach life skills will be more long lasting. The child will learn to  manage self - that is the goal.

I invite you to read: "The 5 Love Languages for Children" by Gary Chapman. It addresses many of these issues.

If you have question, please contact me (435) 841-4060; or drsnate@live.com

Make a Grate Day

Dr. Susan R. Nate, LPC, PhD
Choices for Change Counseling

Intent

Greetings All:

I trust that you survived and hopefully thrived the holidays. How many of you set New Year's resolutions? How many of those have now been broken?

I prefer to focus on intents, rather than goals or resolutions. I know it just a word. However, it is the word that makes the different in the brain that ultimately affects the feeling and the experience.  Intent is more gentle and opens the mind to possibilities. Intent suggest varying degrees of improvement and change, rather than the did or did not.

At the end of each day, identify three things you enjoyed during the day. Set an intent for the next day.

At the beginning of each day, identify what you are grateful for and remind yourself of your intent for the day.

These two simple ideas will make big differences in your thinking and in your life. There is always something we can remind our self that is positive in our life. We can always focus on a positive intent for our day.

Make a Great Day

Dr. Susan

With children returning to school, I hope that children are learning other skills at home.  As we saw in the movie "Nanny McPhee," there are five things every child must learn:  1) To go to bed when they are told (and to say "please"); 2) To get up when they are told; 3) To get dressed when they are told (and to say "thank you"); 4) to listen; and 5) to do exactly as they are told.  

Giving children these social lessons are vital to successful development.

When my oldest grandson was eight years old (he is now sixteen), he told me, "Kids need five things:  to be loved, to be listened to, to know they can learn, to be thanked, and to be taught."  I think he is very wise.

Professional observation suggests that third-graders need to learn four things to be successful in life.  As children learn these four skills before or during third grade, they will be successful in anything the rest of their lives.  In the unlikely event that they do not learn these four things, they will spend the rest of their lives struggling a bit and wondering why they are not as successful (until they learn them).  These four keys to success are:  

• RESPECT FOR SELF AND OTHERS
• BASIC WRITING SKILLS (yes, spelling counts, grammar counts, and cursive writing is nice!)
• BASIC MATH (2 + 2 really is 4!  The brain works on algebraic equations.  It is always solving for "x" and looking for balance.)
• READING SKILLS (texting and emails do not count, but thanks for asking!)

Happy school year!  Make a great day.

Dr. Susan

Travel

Good Moring All: Travel is good for the body and the soul. Like many behaviors and activities in life, there is a spectrum. We get caught up in the all or nothing thinking of travel is a trip for a destination. Travel can be a quick 5-30 minute break in the yard, the tub, a quiet room, across the street, across town, or around the world. The idea of travel is to "get away" and take a break. We need to travel every day for a few minutes. Take a trip in your mind, with a friend to lunch, play with a pet, enjoy watching children play. STAY AWAY FROM YOUR TECHNOLOGY if you truly want to travel. Many times while traveling I only engage the use of technology 2-3 times a day. I also like to travel where there is no "cell service." We can also do that by "turning off" or walking away from the technology. I read a report that stated in centuries, civilization may look back at us and wonder what that extra appendage is that we had attached to us. Take mini vacations, small trips, and learn to enjoy life every day. There is something beautiful and thrilling in every life in every day. We have to discover it ourselves. No one can point it out to us. Make a Great Day Dr. Susan

Pay Day (Continued)

Greetings All: Have you had your play day (moment) today? In my blog yesterday, I talked about the importance of a Play Day. Usually we do not get the luxury of actually having a full day. The Play time can be a few minutes to perhaps a few hours. The main purpose of a play time is to relax, get away from the task, (as a task), enjoy yourself and have some fun. For many people a plan time can include task, such as gardening, organizing a closet/room, painting, etc. To each his/her own. My dad use to tell us kids growing up poor and on a farm to make our own fun and that we could, if we wanted to, make anything fun. My father was a great example of making work fun, and enjoying every day of his life. He had plenty of issues, challenges, and difficulties. He taught to rise above them and to focus on the positive. We do get a choice to find something positive every day, or dwell only on the negative. I love roses. Every rose that I have seen, and that I grow has some thorns. I can focus on the beauty of the rose, or on the problem of the thorns. I prefer to focus on the beauty of the rose. We also need to focus on the beauty that is within each of us. Focus daily on 3 things you like about yourself. This can even be part of your play time. If you notice small children then talk about the good things about themselves as they play. We could all learn a lesson from this. Make a Great Day Dr. Susan

Have a Play Day

Greetings World How many time have you scheduled a play day for your children? How many times have you scheduled a play day for yourself? We all need a play day. Children know the value of a play day. They know they love the interaction. They learn life skills, new skills, relationship skills, and cooperation. Children also learn confidence and letting go, through their play. As parents, we often teach children through play. As adults, we also forget the value of play in our life. It allows us to take a moment and enjoy what is going on around us. If you want to live in the here and now, learn to enjoy moments of play throughout the day. We need to enjoy something every day. Too many of us have such a large task list that we do not get to the enjoyment list. We can actually do both. Work and tasks can also be fun. What do you enjoy doing? Some adults have a difficult time even answering this question. Play will allow you to release negative feelings and thoughts. Play lets you enjoy the moment. Be good to yourself, and Make a Great Day. Dr. Susan

The Best Day

Greetings All: Today can be one of the best days of your life, if you focus on the positive, find something to be grateful for, and laugh at something. These are 3 skills that Vicktor Fankal used while in concentration camps during the holocaust. He stated, "we do not always get to choose our circumstances, but we can always choose our attitude." He also stated that if he could find something positive, something to be grateful for, and something to laugh at I a concentration camp, anyone can do the same think in any situation in their life. Today really can be great, but how we think about what we have, who we are and possibilities. Make a Great Day Dr. Susan