Intent and Parenting

Greetings All:

Last post discussed setting your own intent. How has that been working for you? Are you finding that you are more positive and that you actually get more done?

I would like to discuss intent and parenting. One of the most challenging parts of parenting is to understand the "WHY" of what a child did. We think if we know the "Why" then we can help the child make better choices. Actually the why is less important than the "WHAT". What is the child trying to accomplish? What is the purpose of their choice? What is the INTENT? When we understand the intent of the child, we can usually agree with it, and then we can really teach. We can then help the child make a decision that will accomplish the intent and stay out of trouble.

This works with our self as well. When we become upset what something we did, if we will take a few minutes to discover our real "Intent", we can usually come up with a much better solution.

Example, a child does not do his/her homework. What is his/her intent? Probably to have fun, they do not understand it, they are hungry, tired. When we has what did you really want to do (intent) or accomplish by not doing your homework, we have more information to work with. If it is about having fun, help the child prioritize. Remind him/her that there will be time to play, etc. Help the child understand the concept of getting what you want, by doing what you need to. Children are near sighted when it comes to what they want. They want it now. Helping children learn to delay gratification, be responsible before play, and loving the rewards of accomplishment and what they want is a great life skill lesson

What is the intent for a child lying? It is usually to stay out of trouble, they wish they would have made the better choice, etc. Help the child learn the value of honesty. This is a tough one and takes time - lots of time is some cases.

Remember that a consequence must make sense to the child in order for it to work. This makes parenting challenging and rewarding. Punitive punishment is just a power struggle, and you will usually lose. Consequences that teach life skills will be more long lasting. The child will learn to  manage self - that is the goal.

I invite you to read: "The 5 Love Languages for Children" by Gary Chapman. It addresses many of these issues.

If you have question, please contact me (435) 841-4060; or drsnate@live.com

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Dr. Susan R. Nate, LPC, PhD
Choices for Change Counseling